Loss & The Healing Power of Nature

This past year I have experienced a lot of loss. On a personal level and through the loss of my heroes. I’ve written about it and expressed my feelings and yet, here I am, feeling so incredibly numb. Nothing can prepare you. And when you’re in it, it’s hard to focus on anything except the hole in your chest that just seems to be filled with pain. So join me as I tell you about my loss & the healing power of nature.

Death reared it’s ugly head in a major way for me last October when I got the devastating news that a friend of 10 years had passed away after summiting Mount Whitney. It took me months to get to the point where I could talk about his passing without being angry or bursting into tears.

Almost a week after hearing about Mikey, I got the news that a business partner in the yarn world had passed of a heart attack. I didn’t know her really well, but it was such a sudden shock that I wept uncontrollably for 2 days in a row. I was unable to attend her memorial because Mikey’s celebration of life was happening the same day and I felt an overwhelming amount of guilt for not being able to attend both.

Then, just before Christmas, I got a call from my Dad that my Uncle had a heart attack. We didn’t know if he’d made it or not. I called him. No answer. So I texted him letting him know that I was praying for him and that he’d pull through this. He never received that text. I went numb.

When Carrie Fisher died, I about lost my damn mind. I literally couldn’t cope. I didn’t know to do. It was just all too much, too soon. So I sat down and started to write. I went through my journal and re-read entries from a few years before when I had gone through a rough patch. And the one thing I had in my life then that I didn’t at this point, was nature.

When I got re-married, and then pregnant, I stopped going outside. I stopped camping. I stopped hiking. I stopped doing annual trips to Arizona. I stopped taking care of myself on a very deep level. And I knew immediately what I needed to do. I needed to get the fuck outside.

So, I joined a few hiking groups and started getting out on the trails again. Being outside has been so healing! I can’t really explain it. Unless you’ve experienced it yourself, there’s no real way to describe it. There’s just something about being surrounded by the trees. Hearing the wind blow in the bushes. Seeing a lizard as it runs across the trail. Pushing through that last 1/2 mile to reach the summit when you’re not sure your legs have the strength left to get you there. It gets into your soul and revives you in ways you can only imagine.

So today, I sit here again feeling pain as it creeps into this hole left by the loss of a friend and the loss of a hero. I’ve been crying uncontrollably the last 2 days wondering what I was going to do to feel better. I’m at a loss right now as I’m nursing an injury to my groin muscle and unable to hike. Next week I’ll be car camping in Ojai. The timing couldn’t have been more perfect. I need it. I need to sleep under the stars and fall asleep to the sounds of running water from the nearby creek. I need to scream into the canyons and release the anger I feel from the diseases that took Chester & Austin. And I need to get myself into a mindset to be there for a friend who doesn’t have much time left.

After Mikey died, I wrote a post on a blog I have since stopped writing for. But the words I encouraged everyone to take to heart still ring true:

• Don’t take life for granted. I know we hear all the time how tomorrow is never promised, but until loss affects you so suddenly, you don’t really take any of it seriously. Take it serious my friends. And live everyday fully!
• Do something new this week. Even if it’s something small. Try out that restaurant you’ve been talking about. Read that book that’s been sitting there. Strike up a conversation with a stranger. Go on a road trip to a new place. Take a hike on a new trail. The possibilities of newness is endless.
• Reach out to your friends and family. Let them know how much they mean to you and that you love them. Never end a conversation on bad terms with someone you care about.

If you’re struggling with loss, why not try to get outside and see how healing nature can be. And, if you’re struggling with depression or addiction, don’t be afraid to ask for help. You are special. You are loved. We are listening. And we are here for you.