Transformation: A Personal Post

I’ve been MIA for awhile. I was dealing with a personal trauma and started to neglect the things that made me happy. The things that make me, me. I stopped writing. I stopped hiking. I stopped traveling. And then I realized I needed to look at myself and figure out what it was in me that caused this trauma to affect me in such a negative way. Before the trauma, I was a caterpillar. Living life, but unaware of what life could really be. In the last few months I’ve been in my cocoon. Getting ready for what’s ahead. For my transformation.

This has been on my mind a lot lately. This transformation of self. I didn’t know how to put it into words. Or how to share what I’ve been going through without betraying others involved. But while out hiking this week in Simi Valley, I was surrounded by butterflies as they migrated North. It was in that moment that I understood that I had to endure my trauma, unfair as it was, in order to transform into a Monarch.

They say that people have to hit their “bottom” before they can really start to see themselves as everyone else does. Before they can start on a journey of self discovery. Before they can really start to effect change in their life. Ironically, my bottom wasn’t something that I did, but rather something that happened to me. A betrayal of trust. But in that betrayal, I looked inward. I was so crushed and broken that I stopped eating. I stopped hiking. I stopped living really. And that was my bottom.

I learned so much about myself. About how neglecting to feel emotions as they come up makes us angry. And to make matters worse, letting resentments build up within us also makes us angry. Building up until the anger comes exploding out in a volcanic fit of rage. Usually directed at the ones we love. I learned, and really took to heart that, the only person I can control is myself. I cannot control the words and actions of others. I can only control how I react to them. Which in and of itself is still a learning process. I don’t always react in the way I should. And I don’t always follow the advice I give so eagerly to those who will listen. But I am learning to. I am taking my own advice more often.

Part of this journey is surrounding myself with friends and mentors who will hold me accountable to staying on the road of self discovery. Rather than the road of destruction. I am learning to be vulnerable again. Something I have been unable to do with others since I was a child. Since my trauma occurred, the Universe, my Higher Power, has brought some key people and organizations into my life. It wasn’t a coincidence that they arrived exactly when they did. It was divine timing. And I will forever be grateful for their friendship and guidance.

So that’s where I’ve been. In a transformation. That’s what I’ve been doing. Me.